Not a day goes by...

June 4, 2017

Four years ago today, I was in the Provo Missionary Training Center. It was a P-day. I wrote in my journal:

"TODAY WAS GEWELDIG. My dad sent the talk "Becoming a Consecrated Missionary" finally and THEN TAD R. CALLISTER CAME TO GIVE THE DEVO on the blueprint of Christ's church it was SWEET." 

Three years ago, I was in Gouda. On that day, we were on exchanges and we did service. I felt like we had wasted too much time at the person's house post-service and then too much time in the apartment for our dinner hour. I felt really guilty and like I was being a lazy missionary. But then I remembered district meeting where we talked about "the love of God and all mankind--self included." Even Moses had weaknesses that never became strengths. All we can do is repent, and then get to work becoming better. I remember kneeling on that checkered black and white floor and saying a prayer of repentance, and then we got out and I just felt like I was being steered toward all the right places and we ended up having four lessons. I gained such a strong testimony of listening to our leaders that day. I wrote in my journal: 

"I love being a missionary.... Repentance is real and God even blesses the sinner." 

Every entry wasn't like that--there were some times that the days seemed hopeless and the clouds hung low. But the one thing that never changed was the feeling: I love being a missionary. From the day I got my tag to the day I took it off, I treasured it. And, not gonna lie, it kinda hurts knowing that I'll never wear it again. 

Not a day goes by that I don't think about my mission and how much I loved it. Rarely does a day pass where I don't wish I could go back. And you know what drives me crazy? People who belittle those feelings. 

Examples of things people say :

"It's not like you can't have spiritual experiences anymore"

"Your spirituality is dependent on you, not your mission"

"You can decide to let your spirituality decrease or increase--it's not dependent on your mission"

"Your mission wasn't meant to last forever, just move on" 

"Your next companion is going to be your spouse, so just go get married." 

Okay, I know that life goes on and that we can still have missionary experiences and grow spiritually after the mission. It's not the spirituality that I miss. 

It's the companions I got to be with 24/7 who laughed and cried with me. The companions I got to have "Together Forever" movie nights with and sing with while getting ready in the morning. The companions I who grew to be my closest friends--and who had to be my friend and spend time with me because we were companions ;) 

It's the district and zone meetings that brought us all together in purpose. It wasn't like church--it was a different feeling--one of unity and togetherness. 

It's the privilege of getting to preach the gospel full-time. 

It's the members! Oh, those members. I don't know if many of them even remember me with how many missionaries they've had, but those dutch members have my heart. 

It's the investigators--the people you find in the most random ways who's lessons become the highlight of your week.

It's the multiple learning experiences you get every SINGLE day because you are FORCED to take your problems head on. We can have learning experiences still, but not in the same way. 

It's the mantel; the greatest blessing I've known. I really miss wearing that tag.

It's the COUNTRY. I never thought I could feel so at home in a foreign country, but I really did. 

There is nothing like a mission. Nothing that can even be comparable to a mission. It is the most unique life experience that I will ever have. And everyone who's like me, who misses their mission, who is having a hard time moving on--even months or years afterwards--IS COMPLETELY VALIDATED IN THEIR FEELINGS. 

Even Jeffery R. Holland, a man of 76 years old, counts the months that he's been home from his mission. He's said that no one's mission meant more to them than his did to him. 

"I tell you that it was the most important thing that ever happened to me in my life, that it’s brought so many blessings that have now become important and now take their place in my life, but which would not have happened, I’m absolutely confident they would not have happened, if it had not been for the privilege of a mission."

I know my mission has shaped me in a similar way. I wasn't the best missionary, and sometimes I wish I could do it all over, but better this time. But what I learned from all my experiences was divinely inspired, and I wouldn't trade in any of them for anything.