Gelukkige Verjaardag, Broeder!

Happy Birthday, Brother!

Today, my older brother Mike would be turning 25. Unfortunately, at sixteen years of age, he was in a car accident that took his life. I am grateful for the growth and learning opportunities that I have gained through losing him, but not a day goes by that I don't miss him dearly.

Mike is the inspiration in my life for so many things. I was only ten when he died, but he left a legacy with me. Sometimes when I song write, I feel close to him. I know we both have that music language thing goin on. But the closest I have ever felt to him has been these past months in which I have been preparing for a mission.

I know that Michael, though only 16 years old, was preparing early for what would be his eventual mission. Little did we all know, however, that he would be called a few years early.

Three years before what would be his 19 year old mission, he bought a nametag from the Deseret Bookstore that said "Future Missionary." Three years before I thought what would be my 21 year old mission, I went out and bought myself a nametag that said "Missionary in Training." We were both called three years too early-- he receiving the call at 16 and I receiving it at 18--and I believe completely that his 19 year old mission just became mine. Thus, I believe completely that he will be with me while I am serving the Lord fulltime in the Belgium/Netherlands Mission. (How convenient, also, since the oldest age limit for men to serve is now 25 and he just barely makes the cut ;))

Back in December when I began the waiting game for the mission, in order to not become lazy and useless in my 5 month wait to enter the MTC, I made goals for myself. Some of them I've done a great job at, such as getting up and bearing my testimony every month in fast and testimony meeting. Some of them I've failed miserably at, such as start trying to implement the sleep schedule. One that I've done alright with is reading the Book of Mormon once a month (like, completely. Read it in Jan and Feb, not in March :/ but tryin to in April!) Yep, call me crazy. Anyway, as I started in January, I picked up a triple (Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants, Pearl of Great Price) that I assumed was mine and started reading. I didn't see my markings so I looked at the cover and saw the engraving Michael E. Hoff on the cover. Almost nothing in that book was marked (typical, of a newly 16 year old boy) but there was one passage of scripture that was bracketed and annotated and it was Alma 7: 22-23 with the words off to the side that said "ask, BUT also thank." What a missionary motto. I knew, when I read that, that this scripture (Alma 7:23-24) would be the one to be on my missionary plaque--and it reads:

23 And now I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive.

24 And see that ye have faith, hope, and charity, and then ye will always abound in good works.

What I love about these verses is that it doesn't JUST apply to missionary work, it applies to the way you live your life. I know that I will probably suffer from post-mission depression, and I know these scriptures will teach me how to keep on keepin on even afterwards. These scriptures are also the heart of missionary work--you cant just teach, you have to BE. BE humble, BE submissive and gentle, BE easy to be entreated, BE full of long suffering, BE temperate in all things, BE diligent in keeping the commandments. How you act is an example of your faith, and BEING an example is the best way to preach what you know. (there is so much I could say about charity right now but I will save that for later.)

I was so hesitant to put that on my plaque because it's so permanent, but what better scripture could I pick than one that spoke to me through my brother?

I know, through and because of this gospel, that death is heartbreaking, BUT, the most joy and happiness that we can ever experience comes through death. Mortality is such a short, but painfully important, time in the spectrum of e t e r n i t y and the plan of salvation teaches that we can be with our families forever because of the Atonement through which Christ overcame death.

My brother was never mine to keep. He was never mine to lose. He was always my Father in Heaven's. I am just incredibly blessed that I got to know him, that I got to love him, and that I still get to have his influence with me today, even through the veil. In the play "Savior of the World" I helped put on with the church back in December, there was a part in Act II when a little girl says to Mary, after Jesus had risen, "I don't ever want to lose him again," to which Mary responded, "you don't have to." I know we never have to live without God's light if we choose to live righteously, and I also know that just because we lose someone physically does not mean that we have to lose them spiritually. I love that.

"I'm just incredibly blessed in my life. I know the Lord will strengthen me where I am weak and provide a way for me to accomplish his work. I hope I remain worthy, righteous, and valiant enough to bring people unto him. Of prayer and priesthood power, I have a strong testimony. I feel my brother with me and couldn't be happier to know of the Savior's complete love for me insomuch that he would take my brother away only to have him be with me always. Someday I hope to share my complete testimony of this to someone in the most profound way."  My journal entry from November 6, 2012.

Perfect example of how, even though life is serious business, it's still important to have fun and be silly--especially when it comes to Walmart underwear. We can let things be awkward, or we can put a good sense of humor to good use. :)

 

Happy 25, Bro!



Now here is a song I wrote two years ago:

Hey Mike,
I've recently taught myself the guitar,
And sometimes when I lie underneath the stars,
I think of you, as if you're shining through
Holes in the floor of heaven.
And when I'm in the basement, you're old room,
I sometimes feel you're there with me too,
And sometimes I'll speak, cuz I know you hear me,
Even though you're far away in heaven.
But I'm not writing this letter to tell you about me,
Cuz I know that you know who I've grown to be.
So I'm writing this letter to you to say
A part of me started living for you today
And I want you to stay by your other sisters' sides
And keep watch over Mom, cuz I know she still cries,
And even though Dad's a hard shell,
I know that he is hurting as well
Cuz it's been hard without you all these years,
but let them know like I know that you're still here.
Thanks for always being there for your baby sis,
And I'll write again soon. I promise.
Hey Mike,
I've seen so many flowers around for you today,
People had put some on your sign and some on your grave,
And I'm still amazed at all the lives you changed
The day you were called home to heaven.
And when our nephew cam over this morning to play
All I could think is that'd it'd be so great
If you here playing cars instead of being so far away
Watching him from heaven
But I know well that this is part of the plan
So I'm going to continue holding on best I can
And I'm writing this letter to you to say
Even though it's hard I'm still keeping my faith
But please keep staying by our sisters' sides
And comfort Mom, some nights I still hear her cry,
And underneath Dad's hard shell,
I can see the pain he hides too well
Cuz it's been hard without you all these years
And they need to feel like I do, that you're still here,
So please keep staying here for your baby sis
And I'll keep writing you letters. I promise.
I want to write you about all the things you've missed,
but there hasn't been anything major you haven't witnessed,
I can feel you everywhere, I love that you are always there,
And even though I miss you so, I know I'll see you once I get home,
I can't wait to live with you again, but first I'll have to endure to the end...
So as I'm ending this letter to you, I'll say
I am looking forward to the day
Where we'll all stand side by side
And the only tears will be from joyful cries
And the clarity will flood in and lift the veil
And everything will make sense when we look back at the trail
That will lead us there after struggling all these years
And the pain and hurt will disappear
After I've kept up my end of the promise,
I love you.
Sincerely,
Your baby sis